It’s Monday morning! And no it is not just any Monday morning. It is the morning of my baby boy’s birthday, my first-born, who turns all of 19 today! Time for a big celebration, except that he is away from us, for the very first time, in all his 19 years of being. This would be his first birthday away from his family, from his father who has always been his super hero, his brother who has always been his best buddy (well at least until we got Loki, our Labrador!) and from his mum, ME 🙁
And I know I shouldn’t say it, I know I have to stop repeating myself, but I just can’t help it. I have to say it out one more time, LOUD and CLEAR, YES I am MISSING MY SON truly, madly, deeply, and there is no shame in doing that! YES I know he is an ADULT, YES I know he is independent and is doing just fine and YES I know I did well raising him to be the capable young man that he is today. But HOW can I stop missing him just because of all these very valid points. Saying that I miss him at least 50 times a day doesn’t mean that I’m not happy for him, doesn’t mean that I don’t wish him to be at university doing his thing that he wants to do, doesn’t mean that I want him to come running to me right now (although I would love that!). No. None of that. Saying that I miss him, means just that, I MISS HIM, my heart hurts, I feel a deep void somewhere in or around my chest, an aching feeling caused by his absence, that can only be filled with one thing and one thing only, him in my arms, when I am hugging him close, so tight that I can’t breathe, I can’t think, I can’t feel. I can only SENSE him deep in my arms, merging into my body, back into my womb where he was first created, where I can keep him safe and sound, where I can protect him like a lioness protects her cubs, where nothing or no one can take him away from me. And in the absence of his presence, saying it out LOUD helps.
I wish there was a University for us moms too, or a course or a program or something that would make this transition easier. We focus so much on how our kids will transition into their new life, new place, new people phase, that we totally forget about ourselves, our needs, the change that we would go through. No one prepares us for that! Why is there no training school for moms/parents going through this phase – where some fancy slides can tell us how to feel, what to do while going through this change and maybe have a support group with peers going through the same emotions!
As I sit at his study desk, in his room, that I have unofficially converted into my home office, I see his photo in a frame that I had got customised for his 13th birthday. Time flies so fast, its unbelievable to see both my boys so grown up now and YES I did well I think when I look at them, WE did well, we raised them to be these outstanding human beings. And yes they have their flaws, just like we do and yes they will move away from their parents just like we did, and yes they will stumble and fall just like us, and that just tells me one thing – that life has to go on. So let’s not fight the wind, let’s not fight the tide, let’s just be awesome surfers in this circle of life! (quoted by Shirzad Chamine, Positive Intelligence).
Happy Birthday my son!
Love you so much and MISS you even more!
PS: When my younger son goes off one day, I will have my dearest Loki who is giving me consoling licks telling me its OK, he is here, and that he will not be going to Uni!
Photo by Richard Burlton on Unsplash
Leave a Reply