“You worry too much Mummy,” he tells me, with a big frown on his face and standing up as tall as his almost 9 years frame can make him, when I ask him to be careful one more time as he runs down the slope. “Of course I am supposed to worry” I tell him, and whether I like it or not worry came as part of the package the minute he was born! I was always a calm and relaxed person before that. Who would have thought that all this while, this anxiety was lying hidden inside me, waiting to surface along with the tiny head crowning! I always had to be on guard while he was growing up, asking him to hold on to something while he was learning to walk up the steps, or making sure that he did not put the lego pieces in his mouth when he was building a castle. At times I would be so exhausted watching over him that I couldn’t wait for him to grow up and take care of himself, thinking my worries will vanish.
I was so wrong.
What I have learnt in this short time being a mother is that the tiny hand that holds your finger also holds your heart really tight. And while you maybe ready for him to let go of your hand one day, it is the one on your heart that makes you his slave for life! Whether we like to admit it or not, a mother can never see wrong in her child. Whether she covers up his sins by making excuses taking all the blame herself or whether she chooses to be oblivious to it, it’s her choice. The truth is our children can make us dance around their little fingers as and when they want. Now how we would like to dance, what steps we need to learn, should we dance for them and then wait for that “Thank you Mother! You are the best!” day or should we hold them firmly and make them dance along with us, to our steps, to our tune, is something that we need to ponder, plan and then execute.
My little baby who let go of my hand to walk all by himself one day, is now trying to take another step towards independence. ”Isn’t it too soon?” I ask myself and all other mums in my circle. “Aren’t they supposed to show these signs a bit later in life, maybe in their teens or tweens? Are they growing up too soon or are we being left behind already?
Going by my own experience I know that teenage hormones can play havoc in your life. It turned me from a ‘Mehra Ketli daai chokri che’ (Mehroo is such a good girl) to a stubborn, rebellious person who did the exact opposite of what her mother said. “It’s my life” I would tell her and wondered why she couldn’t understand me. At that time I told myself that I’d be the coolest mum in town, that I would party with my children, share their secrets, joke with them. Well…..
A few months after his 8th birthday, my son went through a sudden growth spurt. While I was all oohing and aaahing about how tall and big my son had become and how we both could fit into the same size t-shirts and how he could now actually lift me off my feet, I failed to realise that he is also getting more matured emotionally. Gone are the tears that I used to see so often, a bruise here, a wound there that could heal with a magic kiss from mummy. Gone is the anxiety that I used to see in his eyes when I left him at home with his father to get a quick pedicure – the running out to the door, the tight hug which made me feel both special and guilty. Gone is the ‘Mummy can you make me sleep?’ at bedtime with him preferring to read his book by himself. In fact last year for the very first time he also went for an overnight camp! Now all these things are kind of expected, kind of cute, but what really troubles me, what makes me lose my patience, what I can’t comprehend is his complete change of attitude change of late.
From being my obedient little boy who would complete his tasks the minute he was told, he has moved on to a “Ya ya whatever,” to anything I say. Tasks like practising his piano, doing his homework or even just putting his clothes for a wash could take several reminders and repetitions! Besides his increasing knowledge of the world around him including the Gangnam style craze, he has been copiously adding to his ‘new’ vocabulary learnt exclusively from peers at school! ‘Oh c’mon he is a boy!’ I tell myself when in a lighter mood. But the other reason why I feel distanced is because of the growing differences in our interests. Chess, rugby, football all those sports that I have never liked, never cared for are his passion. I remember the day when we enrolled him for his first football class in London on a Saturday morning. I was hoping there would be no tantrums as going for football would mean missing out on PS3 time. But week upon week it was my son who would wake up by himself, get himself dressed and be ready to go on the pitch even on a cold winter ‘s morning! I was delighted for him and encouraged his love for the sport getting him soccer books from the library and read it to both of us as I wanted to learn more about this sport. I also tried my hand on chess but failed to arouse enough motivation or interest, same with piano. Earlier on he would plead with me to play football with him which I did with a complaint and a groan, now I don’t even get offered that luxury! So of late I find a big gap in our conversations. Fact is I do not feel needed anymore.
Being a stay-at-home mum whose main interest and motivation is to stay involved with her children, this came as a major setback. I alternated between yelling and moping to improve the situation, but realised that I was not going anywhere with it. So now, I have taken it upon myself to deal with this situation in the best possible way to get positive results for both sides. I have chatted with other mums, Google-d and have tried to have some conversations going with my son. This is what I am learning and what I need to do:
What I am learning:
Yes there is a generation gap. What I did as an 8 or a 9 year old child is far different from what this generation does or expects. I have learnt that my child is not the only one who is going through this developmental phase in his life, most of his peers are.
What I need to do:
Stop giving my own examples. Life is not that simple anymore. Today they have choices by the dozen, activities to keep them occupied. I cannot compare my whole evening of playing hide and seek with my neighborhood friends to his evening filled with various activities like football, piano practice and play dates.
What I am learning:
9-year olds are moody, moving from being very upset one minute to absolutely calm the very next. As they get more independent, they also get more competitive resulting in friendships being made and broken everyday, even with their siblings.
What I need to do:
Give him more attention, more one-on-one time, more freedom in doing things. Let him decide how to plan his day – if drawing is what he wants to do first then fine, as long as he has his home work planned for a later time that day. Show him love and assure him that I am always here for him. Try not to compare him to his brother, try not to take sides.
What I am learning:
9-year olds want to be able to ‘fit-in’ resulting in a lot of peer pressure. Opinions of friends are getting more important than opinions of parents. This could also be in the case of choice of food resulting in bad food habits. If no support received from the peer group then embarrassment, doubting or criticising oneself is common.
What I need to do:
Build his self-confidence. Make him aware of what is right and wrong and that it is ok to think differently from others and voicing your opinion. Encourage him to make his own choices and then defend them. Encourage healthy eating by example. Show news/information on how unhealthy eating can cause disorders.
What I am learning:
9-year olds can get stressed from the demand of daily activities. Homework, school work, extra curricular activities get more demanding at this stage putting pressure on them to perform.
What I need to do:
Understand his fatigue levels. Slow down or stop an activity if he no longer wishes to pursue it, focus on the activities that he loves and wants to pursue. Make him understand the importance and result of hard work giving examples of people excelling in that field. Reward his good behavior by offering extra TV time or a play date with his pal.
Phew! Sometimes I feel that this is a wake up call for me to leave my comfort zone and go out into the world once again to find my place. After all which boy would be proud of a stay-at-home mum? He needs something more exciting to show off to his friends, doesn’t he? “My mom writes for National Geographic!” rather than “My mom can wash 500 dishes in a day.” Having said that there are times when I suddenly catch him off guard as he is busy playing with his Ben 10 aliens or spider-man figurines making them fight with a ‘whoosh’ and a ‘bang’ just like he used to when he was 3. I get up and hug him. Here is my little boy and I do see glimpses of him now and then. Like yesterday at school when we we sitting together and he was proudly showing me some of his school work, he got so excited that he gave me a quick surprise kiss, but not before checking if anybody was watching. I love you my son and I know that after the aches and pains of growing are over, we will sit together and laugh about these days. I am so proud of you!
Mehroo, my kids are 15 and 14 so all what you have written about is so true but inside their little bodies ( not so little anymore, they tower over me ) they love their Mommies and Daddies and little glimpses of that make up our world.
Just a small note…Your blogs make me think, learn and feel uplifted and satisfied at the end…Keep it up.
So heartfelt and warm, relationships are like that.. we sometimes dont understand where we are going with them. That is also the phase when lines distinguishing the rights and wrongs start getting blurry. Going with your gut feeling and trusting your instincts is the best way to take it forward, I guess. Times are changing for sure, but I must say kudos for your attitude. I'm sure you will do a great job in whatever you will do and your son will be very proud of you. All the very best! And though I have no expertise on being a mum right now, but when I do get into that phase I will definitely remember this post of yours.
Mehroo, what you said –> "… tiny hand that holds your finger also holds your heart really tight" is one of the most beautiful and true things.
I know exactly what you mean with J being a similar age. And with A being so demanding J also feels left out. As a working mum I don't get much time with them but every day I make sure I get even 5 minutes alone with him and ask him what was his favourite part of the day, and I tell him mine. It could be insignificant and small, but us sharing a happy thought, makes us both smile.
What J also loves hearing is how cute he was as a baby and anecdotes from then. We were at a 2 year olds b'day party yesterday and after the cake was cut I whispered to J that on his 2nd birthday he had a Barney cake and was so upset we had to cut through Barney. I made sure no one else heard so he wasn't embarrased, and he loved hearing this little memory and how cute he was.
Our babies, 9, 19, 39 or 69 will always be our babies and we just need to make them feel as special in different ways.
xxx M
… and that's a gorgeous photo 🙂
Hi Mehroo! This is such a touching piece of writing. I can't even imagine how will I handle this phase for my daughter and I think it might be harder, girls being more emotionally complicated 🙁
Anyway, I think this is beautifully written as I felt I am actually watching all that you are experiencing in front of me which says a lot about your way of expressing 🙂
And I think you are doing great, hats off to you for being there for your kids!
Dear Mahtab, first of all thank you so much for writing. Your first comment on my blog, I had no idea you read it! Nowadays I constantly ask Mums of teenage kids to understand more about what to expect, so thanks for sharing your thoughts! And what a lovely comment from you, words like these motivate me to write even better, even more. Do keep visiting!
Dear Arti, as usual you have summed it up so well for us and such a nice thought about going with our gut feel and trusting our instinct, yes that is what I am doing and hoping that it doesn't let me down. Thank you for your good wishes and whenever you step into this 'mommy' world, take the advice of everyone around, but go with your own flow.
Hi Mehernaaz, thank you for sharing your little insight with your children. Do you know that when something is playing on my mind for a long time I blog about it and somehow after that it seems easier to handle? Well, it can't be more true about this post, as just writing about it has made me so much calmer and patient with my child and the bonus is all these comments from my friends who by sharing their own experiences let me know that I am not alone and that they are listening to what I am saying….that;s all we want at the end of the day, don;t we?
thank you! Courtesy my dearest cousin from London and a passionate photographer, Bomi Cooper!
Dear Reena,
I am smiling as I am replying to you. I do visualise everything myself when I write, specially with a topic and a subject like this. Thank you so much for your wonderful comment. I think all of us are there for our children in one way or the other. I am sure you are doing your best too for your children and when this phase comes for you, you would know just what to do. All the best!
Beautiful words, beautiful lesson and beautiful capture of your son! 🙂
hey,
I am not 9 or 10 anymore but I wish my mom read this, 😛 somehow this applies at all ages when it comes to mom.
regards
I stumbled on your blog by accident but i must say good job.
I lived in Hong Kong and worked there for a couple of years before i went to pursue grad school in the US. I love love love Hong Kong. It is such an amazing vibrant international city with so much to offer.
I currently live in San Francisco Bay area but i miss Hong Kong sometimes for the sheer energy that the city has.
Gayathri
– Gayathri
Hi Gayatri, thanks for discovering my blog….so what if by accident, it is always nice to hear from new people, know their point of view. Yes hk is a very vibrant city….too loud sometimes for my taste….I would have thought San Francisco would be a good balance between vibrancy and solitude, though you are a better judge since you have lived in both places.
Yes you are right, once a mother always a mother, no matter the age. Thank you for dropping by.
You are always too kind with your words Karuna, thank you once again.
I live in the extended bay area region closer to the silicon valley and not in the city. I do visit the city often but I don't feel the pull to go in there like i felt while livin in Hong Kong. This maybe also because in HK i was in my early twenties and had more time to enjoy the city.Whereas here at 30 I have to juggle between work and home( husband + baby) so maybe i don't have the time or patience or energy because i am caught in the daily madness i.e. my life.Also Hong Kong has an amazing transport system that makes getting around so easy. But that is just my view. A lot of people may find the pace crazy and works hours super long in Hong Kong. My mom always hated living there and preferred spore because that is where she lived before we all moved to HK.I think she found the city (HK) a bit too alien than spore.
Why I like my blog is because I find elements in your life I can relate to because of the life i have lived so far. My dad moved countries a lot and we as a family had to adjust to new environments every time we moved. My mom especially had to create her social circle every time she moved to a new country. As a stay at home mom she really needed that social circle because rest of us went to school or work but she did not have that outlet.Also she couldn't go to work because we moved so often, my dad's work was crazy busy because he was busy climbing the corporate ladder in finance and she had to manage all of our adjustments to a new place by herself i.e. school, friends etc. My dad tried to help but did not have the bandwidth because he was busy working hard to provide a living for the rest of us. I really appreciate her efforts and role she played thought I am sure there were times we kids didn't make it easy for her.I am sure your kids will always remember all the amazing effort you put into bringing up your kids in an alien country without immediate family structure to support you. Also looks like you have moved countries too.
-Gayathri
Dear Mehroo, a thought provoking piece and a deja vu at the same time! I instantly connected with your predicament having experienced a few things myself with my son. Don't all mothers go thru this phase, i wonder? Stay-at-home moms may feel a little more as they give and share more time with their kids. Their universe automatically revolves around their children. Mehroo, your fledgling is getting his wings and he is preparing to fly. Only we don't realise how fast our kids grow up. You miss his attention though you are secretly proud of his independence. If you take it positively, this may well be your time to pursue what you may have always wanted to do. Kids are kids for their mothers but they do grow up. You have been a very fine mother, dedicated your time to your family. Perhaps it's time for you to relax a bit and let him tread his path staying two steps behind to hold him if he falls…
Keep writing… It's nice to know that my trials are not mine alone but shared by most mothers. Your piece has prepared me for a phase to come and hopefully, i will be able to deal with it when the time comes…
Dear Kainaz,
yes, you have nailed it right, it is time to let go a bit and be there to catch them at the same time…I think with all the comments that I have been receiving from my family and friends, I certainly feel much better prepared now. Thank you so much for your lovely thoughts, it is always a great compliment when someone mentions that my post has been of some use to them. Hope the transition is easy for you when the time comes. Take care. Love Mehroo
Dear Gayathri, kudos to your mom for having been the backbone of your family. I don't think we as kids really appreciate that support till we reach that age or atleast close to that age. And by then we are repeating the same cycle with our children. As far as I am concerned I was lucky to have a stay-at-home mum who gave us all her time and attention while growing up and now that I am far away from the family support structure it is my husband who chips in and lends a helping hand and sometimes even more than that. I couldn't have started writing my blog without his support.
Great blogpost indeed..I can see a mothers perspective here..
Mothers are great..:)
Do visit my blog at
http://navanidhiren.blogspot.in/
HI Dhruvv, I don't know how I missed out replying to your comment, apologise for the late reply. Thank you for visiting my blog and your nice comment and I will definitely looks up yours too. Best wishes.