After the birth of my baby, we worked out an amicable working relationship. She looked after the cooking and the cleaning and I took charge of the needs of my children. I had to train her in the beginning with our cooking preferences, lifestyle, etc and it worked out fairly well in the start. So while my elder son went to his pre-school and the baby napped I could get in a few bits of ME time. Thanks to my helper’s presence I enrolled for everything from aerobics to swimming to taking French and Mandarin classes. I also took lazy afternoon naps. Aah, the joys of an expat life! Maybe my friends were right, maybe a helper was just what I needed. To give her due credit, my helper was extremely professional in her work. She worked hard the whole day, scrubbing floors, polishing doors, ironing, cleaning, doing whatever she was asked to do, however from the very first day when it came to social interaction she scored a zero! She lacked warmth and basic courtesy, two essential requirements for our family and in the year and a half that she worked for us I rarely saw her smile. So although I loved the little bit of time that I got for myself thanks to her presence, I just couldn’t get used to a mechanical, melancholic person around me and my family. I tried talking to her a couple of times asking her if she needed any kind of help but she always kept mum. Once the novelty of the ME activities wore down, I felt that I had an added responsibility cause now besides managing my kids, I also had to manage my helper and her moods! Things started getting more and more awkward each day although I did try my best to understand her and make things work. Next I started looking forward to Sundays and public holidays which were her days off so that I could breathe easy in my own house! At the end of a year I was frankly ready to live without her but since we were to leave HK soon, I just let things be. The day we were to leave HK, as I was about to sit in the taxi, I went to give her a goodbye hug, which she completely ignored and saying a quick “Bye ma’am” she turned around and walked away leaving me gaping!
After 2 years of complete self-help in London, when destiny brought us back to HK, the thought of having a full-time helper did not even cross my mind. This time we lived in a completely different locality, kids were going to a new school and I wanted us to get settled as quickly as possible. London taught me that having playdates for the children and making new ‘mommy’ friends were the quickest way to settle down in a new place. However I did not realise how hard that would be thanks to the omnipresence of helpers in this city! They were everywhere. In the parks playing with the kids, in supermarkets shopping for their households, in the schools during the after-school activities, in birthday parties, on playdates, even during the Saturday morning football practice! It was as if the whole society just expected you to have one. Supermarket delivery, courier parcels, handymen, all of these would just turn up home expecting someone to be there! 2 years of having done everything from shopping to cleaning to cooking to taking care of the kids myself, I couldn’t understand what all the ‘helper’ fuss was about? I felt very happy dropping off and picking up my children from school as I couldn’t think of anything more important to do. And yet I saw that the maximum number of children took the school bus. I had to weave my way around the helper ‘safety-net’ that everyone seemed to possess, in order to get things done and yet not offend anyone. Conversations over coffee involving helpers, their importance, about how they make life heaven and hell at the same time, elicit no response from me.
All said and done, I am no super woman and there are times when I am completely exhausted and I wish that I had someone who would come and wash the pile of dishes lying in the sink or iron the ‘truckload’ of clothes waiting for me (forget about the joys of ironing!) or clear up the mess on the table since the boys have just finished their dinner. So this evening especially I can’t make myself get up from the couch and I shut my eyes thinking about which job to start off with first, when in walks my husband with a finger on his lips signalling the boys to be quiet. I know he is home but I pretend to be asleep. I can sense all three of them moving towards me. I try hard not to smile when suddenly I am enveloped in this mass of arms both big and small, strong and light, with kisses flowing in and as I am trapped in the biggest bear hug in the world, my eyes flutter open, full of happiness and yet a bit moist. I hug them all and as I do I can feel my strength returning, my spirit raising, so that by the time we let go, I spring back to my feet ready to tackle the most mundane of household tasks with renewed energy. ”Thank you” I whisper to my husband who looks confused because he has no idea about my mental state just a few minutes ago. Sometimes all I need is a reminder, a small gesture, to remind me about my priorities. Home is a place where I WANT to go when I am tired from my day’s activities, a place where I can find my own peace and solitude, where I can be just myself. For me, Home is NOT where the Helper is, ‘Home is where the heart is,’ isn’t it?
aree pagli…ab rulaage kya?
Beautifully written.
This is life! Mehroo, you have become a role model for many I hope. With a little bit of comfort, people seek one or two maids or helpers whatever. Although its truly a tough job being a homemaker, a little bit of sharing by the members of the household and a little bit of appreciation, love and compassion from the Spouse and children gives all the energy and makes a woman vibrant and she does more than what seems difficult.
While you do so much I do hope that your hubby too shares a bit of chores and the children too should learn to help their MOM and that makes them more responsible in their future life.
Have a blessed day.
Hello Faiyaz, Thanks for your kind comment. Of course family members helping out is a big factor in me being able to do all the tasks by myself and if I haven't mentioned it in my post then let me say it loud and clear that my husband never hesitates in helping me out with household tasks. Whether it is in cooking or cleaning he always gives a helping hand! Since this comes from his mother's upbringing, you are right about me inculcating the same with my boys who carry out the smaller tasks in the house.
hi faiyaz, kem che? thanks for writing a line. try a paragraph next time 🙂
First of all, very well-written Mehroo! And I totally understand your experience of the helper being another responsibility and that just ruins all the comforts they provide. Having said that, I would still go for having a helper where I can BUT would do all my checks before hiring one! I learnt from my UK (we had a helper there as I was studying full time and had a 4 month old Naaisha) and Bahrain experience the importance of screening the helpers till you find the 'right one'. After arriving in HK, I interviewed and tried atleast 40-50 of them till we finalised on our present one for whom we had to wait for another 2 months as she had to exit the country before joining us. But thankfully, she was so worth the wait! She is not only great in household work but has a very pleasant personality – is very warm and smiles a lot! My little one started talking a lot more because she is always talking/singing/chatting with him 🙂
Anyway, I think we were quite lucky to find her but I agree that after the kids reach a certain age, one doesnt need a full-time helper if one is stay at home mum. I believe that kids learn a lot from watching and helping mum at home which doesnt happen if helper is around all the time. And they become a lot more independent as well. So I really admire your decision 🙂
WOW Reena, I admire your determination to do a full-time course in London having a baby around! I tried but not hard enough to take up a part-time course while I was there, but having no helper I failed miserably and ended up doing nothing. Now I so regret it! Yes of course one must have a helper when they need 'help.' At present being out of a real job or any demanding activity I fail to justify my need for one, sp. since both my boys are quite big enough. But the younger one starts full-day school soon and I just might take up something, then who knows I might really need one. As of now I am having fun and enjoying all the independence! Thank you so much for your comment. Keep writing!
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Hello hello Mehroo … I just realised I still hadn't commented here. I wont mention the other reason here why you don't want a helper >:-) bahaha but yeah I hear you. Though on the flip side as a working mum who's sadly out of the flat for far more hours than I am in, a helper is so crucial and essential. It's how HK has been set-up. There are no real day care facilities and some of the working mums have only 10 weeks maternity leave. With no creche to leave the child at, and huge financial responsibilities having a good helper can be such a blessing.
I did have a dreadful one (three actually) but I've also had a lovely one who really enjoys being a part of our family and looking at my 2 and Sable. And no matter how much you question them and all the references in the world only help up to a point. It's really luck of the draw.
If you're enjoying life as is and the hugs and kisses far outweigh the household chores then that's what works for you and it's for no one to GASP in surprise that you don't have one.
xxx … always 🙂
M
Hi Mehernaaz, I completely agree with you. It is exactly the way our society is built around, which is why it is difficult to blend in specially if you see no value in it. For working mums like u, there couldn't have been a better place to be in, cause all said and done, the helper system is so well organised here that it is easy to hire help if need be. For me as of now yes the kisses are doing the trick! But as I have repeated often, as life moves on priorities change.
It was lovely reading the article Mehroo, and very encouraging too. When I was in India I did have great help and when I moved to Hk I had decided not to haveone. However,a friend suggested and I have been fortunate to have someone to do the cleaning and run few errands for me for overa year now. It isactually a liberating feeling when you dont gave to depend on anyone for the regular house stuff. I hope I can do that someday. For now I am grateful for the time I get as I have been able to work towards something I have always wanted.
Hi Sayambrita. First of all thank you for your patience in reading and then commenting on the blog instead of FB. I love having comments here as I can always go back and read them after a few months and years!i am so happy you have found the perfect combination of having help. I have a part time helper who I use for babysitting and just part time cleaning at times. It works great to having a bit of free time that you really need and yet not have a presence in the house at all times. Must catch up soon!
Beautifully put Mehroo. I have similar thoughts. 🙂
Thank you so much Poornima. I finally had to access my computer to reply 🙂 In the short while that you have been here have you been able to find someone to help?